I think I manifested too hard and got so much of what I wanted all at once. That’s something the manifestation books don’t really warn you about. Let me start from the beginning. 

For a very long time, I’d say for the most part of my adult life, I’ve felt really unsure about what I wanted to do with my life, work wise. I realise it’s a privileged thing to even say that, and I’m fortunate to have had such a dilemma. I bounced from job to job, looking for a feeling that I was on the right path. I visited career coaches, talked to people in professions I had an interest in, and spent endless nights researching courses and searching for a desire for something. After years of this, I came to a bit of a standstill, still somewhat dissatisfied, but with a knowing deep inside that this career thing will figure itself out, surely. 

About 9 months ago, I was in a role at work that I was transferred to due to a restructure in my department. I didn’t love the work, it was pretty mundane on most days, but it provided me with occasional moments to stretch myself, and the team was very relaxed, flexible and my life felt cruisy. But still I wasn’t satisfied. I was grateful for a ‘chill’ job, but knew I wanted more, and so I began talking to people who were in professions that seemed interesting to me. When I don’t really know what else to do, I find that going out into the real world and talking to people helps. It’s always so heartwarming to see how many people, strangers or not, will share their time, knowledge and experience with someone who is curious to hear it.

After talking to a few different people about their career stories, a wave of relief washed over me, realising I had found a little bit more clarity in what direction I may want to take my career and life. About a month after these conversations, an opportunity came up at my company for an 11 month secondment in the exact role I was fantasizing about. A very similar role to the roles of those people I had been talking with. I knew without an inch of doubt in my mind that I had to at least try and go for it, so I expressed my interest on the same day the role came out. The following morning, I found out I was pregnant.

The weeks that followed were nothing short of a rollercoaster of emotions. I decided to submit my application, despite just having found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure if I’d get the job, so I thought it didn’t hurt to just throw my hat in the ring and get some practice with writing an application (which I hadn’t done in years), and with interviewing, if I got that far. I did get that far and then I got the job. So many thoughts and feelings came over me. Most powerful of all was the good ol’ friend called guilt. I felt bad because I would be accepting an opportunity that I’d have to leave early to go and have a baby, knowing that I’d be taking this opportunity from others who also wanted it, and knowing that I might make it a bit inconvenient for the team and organisation by leaving early. At the same time I felt super conflicted because this baby was the size of a poppy seed at that stage and it felt silly to turn the role down at such an early stage of pregnancy.

Another loud emotion that came up for me was disappointment. Disappointment because maybe I wouldn’t get the chance to make the most of this amazing professional opportunity and I’d never know if the temporary opportunity would’ve turned into something more permanent and helped me get on a path to a fulfilling career. I was also terrified of challenging myself professionally and personally at the same time, never having been pregnant before and nervous about how I would coper and whether I could give my best to both areas of my life. 

Despite all of these racing thoughts and feelings, I accepted the role because at that moment I knew that I was being invited to challenge a long-held cultural story that I had been conditioned to believe from a very young age. A story that said that it was selfish to ask for too much, that my main purpose as a woman was to be a mum, and that a career should function around that and never impact the family. A story that required women to play it small, to not take up too much space and certainly not to inconvenience anyone. A story that had been passed down to me from generations, and an opportunity now to choose differently. As I embarked on these two new adventures, I realised that I never had to shrink one part of myself to make space for the other. Both could exist side by side, and I deserved them both.

I’ve just wrapped up 7 incredible months in that job that was one of the most growth-filled and enjoyable experiences of my career. I stretched myself, learnt so much and gained more clarity about my strengths and interests. I leave that experience knowing that I gave it my all and pretty stoked that I got to do that all while growing a human being at the same time. That makes me proud. In just over a week the baby is due, and I have never felt more confident and ready to start this new chapter that is motherhood. In a way, the professional challenge gave me a strong dose of self-belief to carry with me into being a first time mum.

And so it turned out that getting everything all at once was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.