ANGELICA G WRITES

When did it all start? The game of never satisfied?

Was it when we were put in a classroom

And asked the same questions

Despite being all so different

Compared like jams at a supermarket tasting stall

Where one comes out on top

Followed by second, third and fourth.

Or was it when we became adults

And suddenly everyone was showing the world

Everything they were doing and everywhere they were going

Simply with the press of a button at the right time of day.

The game of never satisfied is a dangerous game to play

If you ask me.

The simple, mundane, yet precious moments of the every day

Are so easily missed because they aren’t grand enough.

The morning coffee no longer becomes a slow and peaceful ritual

But a way to boost productivity

So you can squeeze every second out of the day

Because god forbid you spend a day doing nothing.

In a world that wants to grind you into a paste

And reuse you as a renewable energy source

Enjoying moments for the sake of enjoying moments

Feels like an act of rebellion.

The lunch time walk becomes all about tracking your step count

Because god forbid you don’t reach your 10K steps.

What ever happened to walking for the sake of walking?

Feeling the warmth of the sunshine on your shoulders

Feeling the joy of walking with hands in pockets

Head tilted to the sky with awe and admiration

For this life that we got lucky enough to call ours.

Lately I’ve been feeling this sense of never satisfied.

I am a harsh critic towards myself, at the best of times.

And it’s something I’m working on shifting.

Because boy is it exhausting never being proud of myself or my life.

But the game of never satisfied is so sneaky

It often comes disguised as motivation.

How, then, does one unravel the disguise and see it for what it is?

Because I think I know what’s hiding behind it all.

It’s that little girl who tried so hard to make her parents proud

But never quite got the approval for the things that felt important to her.

It’s that teenager who tried so hard to express herself

But never quite felt safe enough to do so.

It’s that young adult who tried so hard to find an occupation that felt right

But was barely able to get through university. 

It’s that adult who just wants to feel like what she’s doing now is enough.

To know that she doesn’t need to keep pushing, and doing, and forcing.

She can just simply be.