ANGELICA G WRITES

I recently got married.

My partner and I have had a somewhat unconventional partnership, some might say. We met 7 years ago on the dancefloor of a club in Lisbon Portugal while I had been solo travelling around Europe, and we’ve been together since then. We would go on to do long distance twice, both for just over a year, and move to each other’s respective countries throughout this time. Like all couples, I’m sure, we’ve been through both the lowest of lows, and the highest of highs in our relationship. I feel eternally grateful that on 27th April 2018, we found each other and gave this thing a crack. His love has carried me through some of my darkest days, and I hope mine has done the same for him too. Loving him and being loved by him is my greatest joy and privilege. 

Just over a month ago, we got married, with no guests and no frills. We kept it a secret from our family and friends, so essentially we eloped. I only learnt about the term elope a couple years ago when I heard a colleague use it at work. Growing up, I remember thinking that the only way to get married was to have a wedding with a white dress, lots of guests, dances and speeches.Turning on the TV in the middle of the day, there’d be a good chance that a wedding-related reality show would be on such as Say Yes to the Dress or Four Weddings, or something similar. And as I entered adulthood I realised that getting married and having a wedding was what mostly everyone around me was doing or planning on doing. But when my partner and I started talking about getting married over the last year or two, the thought of having a wedding did not sit comfortably with us. I tried not to think about marriage, and continuously searched for evidence in the world that would convince me there was no point in getting married when you’ve lived with someone for so long and knew that you’re committed to spending your lives together. 

I’ve never had a big family around me. Being the daughter of immigrants who migrated from one side of the world to the other, we’ve never really had relatives around. It was always just my parents, brother, sister and sometimes a dog. I remember being secretly envious of classmates or friends during Christmas time, knowing they’d be spending the festive time surrounded by their large families. I’d hear them complain about how much money they’d have to spend on presents, thinking that sounded like a wonderful thing to complain about. Maybe that’s why I’ve always felt quite sad around Christmas/New Year. It has always felt incomplete, lonely, forced. As I grew up, and started to understand the complex and somewhat turbulent nature relationships between family members, I found it really hard to imagine having a big wedding. 

And as I’ve gotten older, and moved around quite a bit, I’ve found myself with friends scattered around different parts of the world. Growing up has always meant growing out of certain friendships, but I’ve never been one with a large circle of friends to begin with. In school I was always the floater between groups of friends, unamused by the dramas and petty issues that would often exist in fixed girl groups. During university I struggled to make a single friend, and really hated the whole university experience.The last couple of years have been the most quiet in terms of friendships, but I know that friends come and go throughout life, and it warms my heart knowing that there are more beautiful friendships waiting to be discovered in the world. 

All of that to say, I simply couldn’t imagine having a wedding and inviting guests. I could imagine having a small ceremony with just our immediate families there, but his family are in Portugal, unable to fly right now, and we’re in Australia. I know that I wouldn’t have felt right just having my family at the ceremony and not his, and neither of us wanted to make this all a big deal anyway. So it was starting to become clear that an elopement was the way to go if we wanted to get married in the way that felt right to us. 6 weeks before we got married, the idea came to us one Friday night while we were eating steak at the dining table. You know when you hear an idea or get an idea, and your whole body softens, because you know that it feels aligned? Well that’s how I think we both felt in that moment. And so we started to prepare for our elopement.

We decided that the most special way for us would be if it was just us and nobody else. We’re both very introverted and don’t particularly enjoy the spotlight or to be centre stage. We’re also both quite private in certain ways, and just wanted that day to be completely about us. I can’t even begin to describe how difficult of a decision this was for me to make. As someone who has spent a lifetime existing to help, rescue and please everyone around me, this was the ultimate act of liberation. As someone who has carried the pain and suffering of others for too long, always concerned about everyone’s feelings first, this was complete and utter freedom. It didn’t come without its fair share of sleepless nights, worrying, overthinking, fear of regret, spiralling and guilt, but sometimes that’s the price one pays for authenticity and the truth. After sitting in the deep and painful discomfort – and I think the intensity of discomfort is proportionate to the length of time one has spent abandoning themselves – I was finally able to listen to my inner voice, the one that doesn’t stray from the truth. And that’s how I knew it was the right thing to do for me and for us. I just knew. 

On the morning of the elopement, we both felt extremely nervous, excited and happy. Everything unfolded beautifully, and the moment our eyes were interlocked and we were saying the vows and being pronounced married in the eyes of the law, was raw, intimate, emotional and special. If I could do it again, I’d do it a million times over, in that exact way.

I hope that all people around the world, whether they get married in a church, at a beach, in a big room or a registry office, do it in the way that feels true, authentic and beautiful to them. 

Like it was for us.