ANGELICA G WRITES

I realise now that living authentically means being brave enough to let the world see the inner workings of your mind and heart. I think it’s even braver when you were raised in an environment that predominantly told you who and what you should be. I know this is a common story.

I was always a tomboy. From as little as I can remember, my favorite activities included playing outside, climbing trees, riding scooters, bikes, skateboards, kicking a ball around, pranking the neighbours and getting a rush of adrenaline from doing something naughty with the boys. Fairies and barbies were not for me. I have two very distinct memories from my childhood when I was told that I couldn’t do certain things or be a certain way, because it wasn’t feminine. One of those was being told I should find a different and more feminine sport to football, because football is a male’s sport and too dangerous for girls. And another was when I was told I should stop wearing baggy t-shirts and sneakers because girls wore dresses. Oh and I can’t even recall the amount of times I was told to stop being ‘bossy’.

I know now that people say these things because that’s just what they think is best, based on their upbringing, cultural background etc etc. This is not a dig at people who enforce their prejudices, fears and insecurities on others. I’m a true believer that everyone is usually always doing the best they can, with what they know. Although I know this now, at the time it must have been painful to be told who you are and the way you chose to express yourself wasn’t okay. Especially because as a good girl, my job was to be sweet, to always gain approval, and to never, under any circumstances, rock the boat.

Well how is that going for me now, you ask? The first almost 29 years of my life were spent as a complete and utter fraud. Around the time of my 29th birthday earlier this year, this realisation hit me like nothing else i’d ever been hit by before. It was one of the best things to ever happen to me. It must have been god, the universe, something otherworldly, that did this for me. I think my poor little body just got really, really tired of the good girl persona, the people-pleasing, the worrying, the regulating everyone else’s emotions but my own. The rescuing, the seeking approval, the peace-keeping and the suppressing my own needs thing got so old. There was nothing in me left to keep up the act anymore.

Now that i’m not spending every second of my waking life acting anymore, I wonder what will wonderful and beautiful things might happen. Stay tuned friends.