ANGELICA G WRITES

This morning I woke earlier than I hoped I would, with one main, loud thought drumming inside me – Surely i’m meant to move countries soon.

Thoughts about moving countries isn’t a new one for me, they visit me from time to time, sometimes in conjunction with thoughts around other big life changes, like career. This week both visited me, lucky me. Earlier in the week I had a minor existential crisis around what I do for work, and thought surely, this isn’t what i’m supposed to be doing with this one life I’ve been given to live. This one is also not an uncommon thought for me, and has resulted in me changing jobs more times than i’d like to admit. So, for almost two full days I was consumed by the thought of leaving my current line of work (government worker in human resources) and going back to university to become a primary school teacher. After doom scrolling reddit for lived experiences around career changes into teaching, I realised it probably wasn’t the right move for me, at least not right now. Several days passed, and I felt relatively calm, focusing my energies onto the present moment, practicing gratitude for all that I have right now.

Until today, when inspiration hit and I became convinced, once again, that I needed to move continents. It’s kind of amusing because I’ve been working really hard the last three years on trying to settle into my life here in Australia with my partner who moved here from Portugal. I’ve been working hard on practicing gratitude for being so close to my family – after living abroad for two years and not seeing them – for my financially secure job, and for all the privileges I have living in a developed, safe and beautiful country. I tell myself that I’ve already done the living abroad thing, I’ve travelled quite a lot, so it’s time to just chill out now, make money and start a family. I’ve spent endless hours convincing myself that this life makes sense, and that this is just how adults live. I even thought about adopting a cat, partly so that it tied me down and made it harder to leave.

I used to feel a sense of anxiety and dread around having these thoughts and feeling these feelings so often. I felt embarrassed that I thought about this as much as I did, and guilty because what a privilege it was to live in a great country with such great conditions, and still want something more or something else. When weeks or months went by and I didn’t have thoughts about moving countries, i’d feel relieved. As if to say that finally, i’m doing this thing called life, ‘right’. Which is ridiculous of course, because who the fuck knows how to do this thing called life ‘right’? Everyone is just doing what works for them, at least I hope they are. I grew up in an environment with very strong views on the right way to live, and I think that sort of critical view of people and of life, and the rigidity of how things should be, are what i’m working on unlearning. Because how grim would the world be if there was one blueprint for life and everyone followed it.

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay, fantastic even, to have these thoughts, dreams and aspirations, even if they are just fantasies. And I really believe that what’s truly meant for us won’t pass us by. So I say keep on dreaming those weird and wonderful dreams. For we never know what life has in store.