ANGELICA G WRITES

Ever since I was about seven years old, I remember writing in a journal. The first one I can vividly remember is those ones you could lock and unlock only by speaking the password into the microphone. I thought it was incredible, that finally, I had this safe place where I could write all my deepest thoughts, ideas and secrets, and nobody would ever know about their existence. Nobody did ever find out the password to that journal, and to this day, sit a collection of worries, secrets, fears and joys of a seven year old Angelica that are safely tucked away from the world.

I think about that a lot – I wonder how many thoughts, worries, secrets, fears and joys we each walk around with, tucked away in our minds, afraid to let them out into the world. Terrified that if somebody were to find out what we really think and feel, we would be ostracized. I wonder how different our workplaces, relationships, interactions, and general experiences of life would be if we all just spoke from our truth more. When I say speak from our truth, I don’t mean speaking without thinking, or divulging all our secrets and oversharing. I just mean speaking without the excessive programming that’s been rooted into our minds that tell us how to talk, and how to act, to be accepted in the world.

I work a 9 – 5 full time job, and every day i’m surrounded by adults in meetings, saying mostly what they think they should say to ensure they appear competent, professional and mature. I don’t blame them, I am one of them, more days than not. Maybe it’s my environment, but I really feel sad that we don’t speak more truthfully in our day to day interactions. Speaking more truthfully in my daily life, even when, especially when i’m in my corporate gig, is extremely difficult for me. I remember one of the first times I spoke from my truth in a work meeting, about four years ago, I could barely get the words out. Up until then it was just polite manners, rehearsed words and making sure everything I was saying and doing was to please others and to make sure I appeared, and was, useful. What a load of donkey shit. Ever since that day, I’ve made it a mission of mine to do as much truth speaking as possible, despite the discomfort, heart palpitations and anxiety. Maybe it comes easier to others, but for me, it’s always been an act of immense bravery.

When I speak from my truth these days, my heart still does beat a little bit faster, but my hands don’t tremble as much as they used to, and my armpits don’t sweat as much either. I have come a very long way. Sometimes, most of the times, the words come out a little bit awkwardly, but they come out. They have space in the world. They are allowed to be here. I think most importantly, I don’t need to hide them away in a password lock journal anymore. Even if what I say is misunderstood, at least it was real. And I think we could really do with more real in the world.